I talk about sex for a living.
More specifically, I talk to women and couples about sex in the hope of helping them have a better sex life – and relationship.
I never imagined I would end up doing something like this, and this fact still blows my mind. I’m really just a girl from the country who was shy and a bit awkward growing up. Yet here I am, 10 years later, feeling incredibly honoured to help people in this intimate way.
It began for me at a music festival in my early 20s… I happened to find a ‘Tantra Yoga’ workshop and thought ‘why the heck not?!’ I’m not even sure I knew what Tantra was, but I was willing to give it a go.
That workshop changed my life. I was immediately hooked.
Tantra was like the best kind of yoga I had ever done.
The more I practised Tantra, the more benefits I found. Tantra helped me finally feel comfortable in my own skin. It gave me more confidence. It taught me how I could enhance my enjoyment of sex and it helped me create fulfilling relationships.
I loved learning Tantra so much that I wanted to share it, so I became a teacher.
Not long into my ‘teaching career’ a psychologist approached me and asked if I would work with his male clients experiencing sexual dysfunction, teaching them practical tools that Tantra offers.
This work was eye-opening, to say the least.
I clearly saw how problems with sex and relationships impact our confidence, our wellbeing and our overall happiness. I realised that I could make people happier, by improving their sex lives and relationships.
Tantra was a brilliant foundation, but I wanted more.
I went on to study at The Institute for the Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality in the US and then at two more universities in Australia. I’m now qualified as a Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist.
It’s the most rewarding work I can imagine.
I get to guide couples to reconnect and regain closeness. I help them laugh together more, and ultimately argue less. I even experience some couples on the brink of separation, falling in love with each other again.
And I get to help them with sex.
Sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship, but it can cause huge amounts of pain and worry when things aren’t going to plan or we have different sexual needs from our partner.
As a sex therapist, I work with people on all kinds of issues related to sex including difficulty reaching orgasm and pain during sex.
Most commonly though, I work with couples who want to reconnect – emotionally and sexually – after having children.
We just don’t talk about sex and intimacy enough.
We think everyone else has it all together. That everyone else probably has the perfect relationship and sex life. It leaves us wondering if we really are ‘normal’ after all. But the truth is, we all experience challenges in our relationship and sexual experiences.
One of the most common questions I get asked by Mamas is: I just never feel in the mood anymore. How can we get the spark back?
For women, being intimate with their partner after childbirth can be a daunting and personal process.
Your body goes through intense physical and hormonal changes. You and your partner are now juggling new roles and extra responsibilities. You’re exhausted. And you may be frustrated by always having someone else constantly touching your body.
If you and your partner don’t understand what’s going on or stop communicating, it can add to pressure and strain to the relationship.
Sex can sometimes feel like the furthest thing from your mind, but I know there’s also a longing to feel that energy and passion again – and to have a loving, harmonious relationship with your partner.
So how do you get your spark back?
And where do you even start?
Let’s help you find your mojo again Mama.
1. Decide – really decide – that this is something that is important for you.
It does take time and some effort to get your sex life back – and to keep it humming, so you need to be willing to give it some quality time and attention. Remember that putting some energy into improving your sex life, will also benefit your whole relationship.
2. Connect with your partner in other ways.
It’s highly unlikely that you’ll feel in the mood for sex if you and your partner haven’t seen much of each other and then he gives ‘the nudge’ as you’re falling asleep at night.
Focus on emotional intimacy and spending as much quality time together as you can. This does not mean time spent running at Bunnings or stacking the dishwasher together. It means snuggles on the couch, hugs, softly spoken compliments and checking in to see how each other’s day was. Try and make the time because maintaining a loving connection outside of the bedroom flows into intimacy inside the bedroom.
3. Take it step by step.
Be gentle on yourself and don’t expect change to occur overnight. Regaining that spark can take a little time. Start with what feels comfortable for you. Perhaps cuddling, or kissing, swapping a massage or having a bath/shower together. Allow things to evolve. Although you might not feel in the mood, to begin with, you’re likely to feel aroused once you get started.
4. Make time for intimacy – You have to schedule it.
I know that scheduling sex doesn’t sound very spontaneous or romantic, but the truth is, one of the main reasons conveyed by couples for not having ‘sexy time’, is that they just don’t have time.
While scheduling sex isn’t instinctive, it’s more romantic than not having sex at all right?
I call these ‘bedroom dates’. It’s about you and your partner going to bed early and not watching ‘just one more episode’ of Game of Thrones. It’s about making your intimacy a priority and reflecting that in your schedule. Bedroom dates don’t mean you need to have sex, they can simply reflect a time that you schedule together to focus on physical and mental understanding and connection.
Also, know that you don’t need to do this on your own. Many couples struggle to work through these challenges themselves, and it’s totally okay to reach out to a professional for support.
Remember Mama, you’re beautiful, and you deserve to feel that way.
Guest Blog By Isiah McKimmie
Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist and Sexologist who has been helping couples reignite their intimacy and passion for almost a decade. Her therapy and coaching are available via Skype to anywhere in Australia.
Visit her website to receive free gifts she’s offering to Mama Tribe readers, including a free 15 minute chat to get your started on your journey to reigniting your spark and experiencing deeper connection with your partner.
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