Lost your sex drive after having a baby? Here’s how to find your mojo, mama
I was at a music festival in my early 20s when I happened upon a ‘Tantra Yoga’ workshop.
I quickly realised that Tantra was the best kind of yoga I had ever done, and the more I practiced, the more benefits I found. Tantra helped me finally feel comfortable in my own skin. It gave me more confidence. It taught me how I could enhance my enjoyment of sex and create fulfilling relationships.
From that workshop I went on to study at The Institute for the Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality in the US, and two more universities in Australia. Now, I’m a qualified Couples Therapist, Sex Therapist and Sexologist.
It was early in my career that I worked with male clients experiencing sexual dysfunction and I saw how problems with sex and relationships impact our confidence, our wellbeing and our overall happiness. I learned too that I could make people happier by improving their sex lives and relationships.
Today, I work with people on all kinds of sex-related issues including difficulty reaching orgasm and pain during sex. I guide couples to reconnect and regain closeness; to laugh and argue less. For some couples on the brink of separation, I help them fall in love again.
Most commonly though, I work with couples who want to reconnect – emotionally and sexually – after having children.
And one of the questions I’m asked most by mamas is, “How can my partner and I get our spark back if I never feel in the mood anymore?”
If you’ve lost your sex drive after having a baby, read on…
7 ways to rekindle your spark if you’ve lost your sex drive after having a baby
1. Understand why you’ve lost your mojo
Before we explore how you can get your mojo back, we need to understand why you might’ve lost it in the first place.
For women, being intimate with their partner after childbirth can be a daunting and personal process. Our bodies goes through intense physical and hormonal changes during pregnancy, birth and early parenthood.
Life with children means adapting to new roles and juggling extra responsibilities. And often feeling exhausted, or even frustrated by someone else constantly touching your body.
2. Decide (like, really decide) if this is something important to you
It takes time and some effort to get your sex life back and keep it humming, so you need to be willing to give it some quality time and attention. Remember that putting some energy into improving your sex life, will also benefit your whole relationship.
3. Connect with your partner in other ways
It’s unlikely that you’ll feel in the mood for sex if you and your partner haven’t seen much of each other, and then they give ‘the nudge’ as you’re falling asleep at night.
Focus on emotional intimacy and spending as much quality time together as you can. This doesn’t mean going to Bunnings or stacking the dishwasher together. It means snuggles on the couch, hugs, softly spoken compliments and checking in to see how each other’s day was. Maintaining a loving connection outside of the bedroom flows into intimacy inside the bedroom.
4. Take it step by step
Be gentle on yourself and don’t expect change to occur overnight. Regaining that spark can take a little time. Start with what feels comfortable for you. Perhaps cuddling, or kissing, swapping a massage or having a bath/shower together. Allow things to evolve. Although you might not feel in the mood, to begin with, you’re likely to feel aroused once you get started.
5. Schedule time for intimacy
One of the main reasons conveyed by couples for not having ‘sexy time’ is that they just don’t have time. And while scheduling sex isn’t instinctive, or sound very spontaneous or romantic, it’s more romantic than not having sex at all, right?
I call these ‘bedroom dates’. It’s about you and your partner going to bed early and not watching ‘just one more episode’ of Game of Thrones. It’s about making your intimacy a priority and reflecting that in your schedule. Bedroom dates don’t mean you need to have sex, they can simply reflect a time that you schedule together to focus on physical and mental understanding and connection.
6. Get help
You don’t need to do this on your own. Many couples struggle to work through these challenges themselves, and it’s totally okay to reach out to a professional for support.
7. Keep talking
Sex isn’t the most important part of a relationship, but it can cause huge amounts of pain and worry when things aren’t going to plan or we have different sexual needs from our partner. And while it’s easy to think that everyone else has a perfect relationship and sex life, and if our sex life is ‘normal’, the truth is that we all experience challenges in our relationship and sexual experiences.
But the thing is, we just don’t talk about sex and intimacy enough. So, keep talking – no matter how tricky this experience might feel. When we stop communicating with our partner it will only add pressure and strain to the relationship.
Sex can sometimes feel like the furthest thing from your mind when you have just had a baby, or have young children. But if you’ve lost your sex drive after having a baby, know that is possible to feel that energy and passion again, and enjoy a loving, harmonious relationship with your partner.
Remember Mama, you’re beautiful, and you deserve to feel that way.
Guest Blog By Isiah McKimmie
Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist and Sexologist who helps couples reignite their intimacy and passion.
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